!!!This is argumentative essay. What do I need to change to make it better? Answer plz!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!83 points will be offered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PROMT: Should the developed world care about and aid in the accessibility of education (science) and technology worldwide?

My essay-
Did you know that 32 million children in the Sub-Saharan area of Africa are uneducated. What should developed countries do to help this problem? I believe that to solve uneducation, developed countries should put forward more money and time into helping these countries with access to technology and education.
One way that developed countries can aid developing countries is by giving access to technology. Access to technology will affect developed countries positively. One it will affect developing countries is that students will be able to access information better and have a higher chance of succeeding in school. Teachers in developing countries will also be affected because they can use it track the work of children better and will be to present information in an efficient manner. It can also affect the country by boosting is economy and help create new business.
Even if technology can help developing countries, it won't be easy. First of all, most developing countries do not have power, and a lot of people don't bother going to school. These two things will make it harder because if there is no power how will the technology be used and if people don't really study then it won't aid that country at all.
Despite the problems that technology will cause, there are solutions. The developed countries can give money towards constructing power lines in developing countries. Technology will encourage the people of developing countries to try to get and education, and this will cause more people to be educated.
But even if that does happen, there will still be some problems in the way. In developing countries, some teachers don't know how to use technology in the correct way. Also some countries rarely have any schools, meaning that the developed countries will need to construct schools.
Despite the amount of problems that will be caused due to developed countries aiding developing countries, it doesn't mean it's impossible. This will push Developing countries into trying to complete the goal of aiding developing countries in the aid of technology and education.

Answer:

I think that this can be combined into one paragraph:

"Even if technology can help developing countries, it won't be easy. First of all, most developing countries do not have power, and a lot of people don't bother going to school. These two things will make it harder because if there is no power how will the technology be used and if people don't really study then it won't aid that country at all.

Despite the problems that technology will cause, there are solutions. The developed countries can give money towards constructing power lines in developing countries. Technology will encourage the people of developing countries to try to get and education, and this will cause more people to be educated."

Since your essay is in support of helping developing countries, you want to try to limit the amount of counterarguments that support the other side, because that may lead your reader to question their stance, so maybe delete this paragraph:

"But even if that does happen, there will still be some problems in the way. In developing countries, some teachers don't know how to use technology in the correct way. Also some countries rarely have any schools, meaning that the developed countries will need to construct schools."

Your last paragraph is a great conclusion, the only thing I would say is to try to paraphrase your reasons and add them so your reader can be reminded why they should agree with you.

Other than that, this is a well-written essay, nice work!

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c
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